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Joke:
Why Am I Married
You
have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
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At a cocktail party, one woman said to
another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on
the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
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A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day, she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
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When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her
keep him.
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A woman is incomplete until she is
married. Then she is finished.
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A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm
still paying."
A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of
Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he
marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every
country, son."
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Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."
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Marriage is the triumph of imagination
over intelligence.
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If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say
-- talk in your sleep.
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage,
men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
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First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's
still alive."
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A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To
understand a man, to Love and to
forgive him, and for patience, for his
moods. Because Lord, if I pray
for Strength I'll just beat him to death"
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AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus
stop with their nine children.
A
blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they
find it overloaded and only the wife and
the nine kids are able to fit
onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to
walk. After a while, the
husband gets irritated by the ticking of
the stick of the blind man as
he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to
him, "Why don't you put a piece
of rubber at the end of your stick? That
ticking sound is driving me
crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've
put a rubber at the end of YOUR
stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the
hell up."
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Wife: Honey.....
What are You Looking for ?
Husband :
Nothing.
Wife :
Nothing...?? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour ??
Husband :
I was just
looking for the expiration date.
**********
Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
A - One Woman Brings you into this world crying... & the other ensures you
continue to do so.
**********
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and
no.
**********
Wife: You always carry my photo in your briefcase to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your
picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself,
"What other problem
can there be greater than this one?"
**********
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and
lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well
that's because we aren't married yet.
**********
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my
seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mom,
I was sitting on daddy's lap.
**********
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father
hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU
A FORTUNE"
**********
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire? "
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married
her?"
Millionaire:
" A
Billionaire"
**********
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies:
Thanks for the
warning.
**********
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty face or my sexy
body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."
A
lone biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded
above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said:
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"Because you have tried to be faithful to me
in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said:
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"Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said:
-
"Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind
of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The
concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural
resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for
worldly things. Take a little more time and
think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said:
-
"Lord, I wish that I could understand my
wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives
me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's
wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied:
-
"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Grandma
and her birth control!
After working most of her life Grandma finally
retired. At her next
checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of
all the medicines
that had been prescribed for her. As the young
doctor was looking
through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she
had a prescription
for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL
pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely
NOTHING in these that
could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached
out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I
know
that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in
the glass of
orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter
drinks....and believe me,
it helps me sleep at night."
You gotta love Grandmas!
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A Vietnamese woman
called 911 and said that her husband
physically abused her. A police
officer came to her apartment and
wrote the report. She does not speak
much English therefore, word by
word, the policeman carefully wrote
down every single thing the
Vietnamese woman told him. Later a
Vietnamese guy translate this report
to Vietnamese:
My husband threats hit me
see my mother many times.
Ông chồng tôi hăm đánh thấy mẹ
tôi nhiều lần.
But today he out hand and
hit me see my grandmother.
Nhưng hôm
nay ổng ra tay đánh tôi thấy mụ
nội tôi luôn.
Everyday, I make cow
cakes, pig skin cakes for him.
Ngày nào
tôi cũng làm bánh ḅ bánh da lợn
cho ổng ăn.
But he told me that I
don't know to make any
handicapped pants.
Nhưng ông bảo tôi là tôi không
biết làm cái quần qùe ǵ hết.
Day and night I only know
how to watch ship movies.
Ngày và
đêm tôi chỉ biết coi phim tàu mà
thôi.
He said I'm sky horse.
Ổng ấy bảo
tôi là thứ ngựa trời.
Everyday, I bring my ass
go hit cards eat money with a
bunch of female horses in the
neighborhood.
Ngày nào
cũng xách đít đi đánh bài ăn
tiền với mấy con ngựa cái hàng
xóm.
He forbids me to bring
those female devils home no
more.
Ổng cấm tôi không cho mấy con
qủy cái đó đến nhà nửa.
Because they have too many
stories and like say ugly
people different.
V́ họ
nhiều chuyện và thích nói xấu
người khác.
My husband thinks he is
delicious.
Ông chồng
tôi tưởng ổng ngon lắm.
His friends are a bunch of
buffalo heads and horse faces.
Bạn ông ấy toàn là lủ đầu trâu
mặt ngựa.
Everyday they bring their
empty asses to my house, eat,
drink, play guitar and fart
everywhere.
Ngày nào họ cũng xách đít không
tới nhà tôi ăn uống đàn địt um
xùm.
I testicle him go out the
street and the truck run over
break his head roll to the walk
side with the eyes still
blinking.
Tôi dái cho ổng có ngày đi ra
đường xe cam nhông cán đứt đầu
lăn vào lề mà hai mắt vẫn c̣n
chớp chớp.
He angry and hit me.
Ổng giận
dử và đánh tôi.
A
backup police calls the
policeman and asks if everything
is OK. The policeman said: "Man,
you should have heard this crazy
woman.
If
I were her husband, I would beat
the hell out of her too".
______________________
Hahaha! This is a good "phunny"
story!:
An American tourist goes on
a trip to
China .
While in
China ,
he is very
sexually promiscuous and
does not use a condom any
time.
A week after arriving back
home in the States, he wakes
one morning to
find his penis covered with
bright green and purple
spots. Horrified, he
immediately goes to see a
doctor.
The doctor, never having
seen anything like this
before, orders some
tests and tells the man to
return in two days for the
results.
The man returns a couple of
days later and the doctor
Says: "I've got
bad news for you. You've
contracted Mongolian VD.
It's very rare and almost
unheard of here. We know
very little about it".
The man looks a little
perplexed and says: "Well,
give me a shot or
something and fix me up,
doc". The doctor answers:
"I'm sorry, there's
no known cure. We're going
to have to amputate your
penis".
The man screams in horror,
"Absolutely not! I want a
second opinion".
The doctor replies: "Well,
it's your choice. Go ahead
if you want, but
surgery is your only
choice".
The next day, the man seeks
out a Chinese
doctor, figuring that he'll
know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines
his penis and proclaims:
"Ah, yes,
Mongolian VD. Vely lare
disease".
The guy says to the doctor:
"Yeah, yeah, I already know
that, but what
we can do? My American
doctor wants to operate and
amputate my penis?"
The Chinese doctor shakes
his head and laughs: "Stupid
Amelican
docta, always want to
opelate. Make more money,
that way. No need to
opelate!"
"Oh, Thank God!", the man
replies.
"Yes", says the Chinese
doctor, "You no worry! Wait
two weeks. Dick
fall off by itself! You save
money" !!!!!
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